


Stag Do

by Zhaney



Series: Chronology [7]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Drinking, Driving, Fluff, Historically Accurate Full Moon Calendar, M/M, Marauders Era (Harry Potter), POV Remus Lupin, Police, Remus Lupin Swears, Welsh Remus Lupin
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-11
Updated: 2020-03-11
Packaged: 2021-02-28 16:27:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,056
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23100178
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Zhaney/pseuds/Zhaney
Summary: Two days before James and Lily's wedding in October 1979, Sirius decides to throw James a bachelor party. Things get a little out of hand."Chronology" AU - 1979Technically this fic could be considered stand-alone canon-compliant since the AU divergence starts in 1993.
Relationships: Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Series: Chronology [7]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1472504
Comments: 2
Kudos: 37





	Stag Do

**Author's Note:**

  * For [DobbyOfRavenpuff](https://archiveofourown.org/users/DobbyOfRavenpuff/gifts).



> **Disclaimer:** I don't own Harry Potter or anything related to it. JK Rowling wrote the original story and we have taken that and ran with it to support the values it taught us.
> 
> \---
> 
> This is a crack-fic Marauders flashback for _DobbyOfRavenpuff_ who challenged me with a meme in a FB group we're in. Enjoy the silliness!

Remus walked into the living room to find every surface, vertical or horizontal, covered in forestry and woodland creatures. When Sirius had told him that James and Peter were coming over tonight for one last party before the wedding in two days, he’d offered to go to the store and buy some drinks and snacks. The flat had been sensibly decorated at the time, the walls a soft creme with posters and photographs lining the walls, charmed to be still on command in case muggles stopped by. What he saw now made him almost drop the bag he was holding.

“Sirius?! What did you do?!” he yelled since his boyfriend was currently nowhere to be seen. Gingerly, he stepped further into the living room and set down his bag on the coffee table, an enchanted fieldmouse skittering out of the way.

“Isn’t it brilliant, Moony?” Sirius yelled back, far too pleased with himself. He came out of the bedroom as Remus moved towards the sound of his voice.

“There better not be anything in there or I will personally tie you to the couch tonight and sleep alone,” Remus warned.

Sirius barked a laugh and held up his hands innocently. “No, no, nothing in there. This is all for Prongs. I saw in a magazine that muggles call the last party for a bloke getting hitched a Stag Do. Isn’t it just perfect?” 

Remus gave him a deadpan stare and Sirius burst into laughter. “Merlin, save me,” he muttered under his breath before Sirius abruptly pulled him close and kissed him.

“He’s gonna love it!” Sirius grinned when their lips parted and then bounced away to set out the drinks and snacks Remus had procured.

“There better not be anything else,” Remus commented. Sirius just grinned at him. There was something else. There was always something else. He groaned and sank onto the couch after dispelling a patch of moss that was trying to take over a couch cushion. Stag Do… This was going to be a long night.

Peter had about the same reaction as Remus to the madness that had become their flat when he arrived an hour later. He eventually warmed to it and after a cider or two, started ignoring the fluttering birds on the ceiling. James had the same enthusiasm about the decor as his best man and both of them proceeded to almost literally roll about laughing. James even transformed and investigated a conjured doe prancing about in the kitchen before coming back with whiskey and shot glasses in far more human hands.

“Who’s up for some drinking games?!”

Remus sighed, getting into the spirit by then but still overwhelmed by the sheer over indulgence of it all. It was typical Sirius though. The next few hours were spent getting raucously smashed and laughing so loud that Remus was certain the neighbors would have had a little to say about what they were getting up to on a Thursday night if not for the muffling charm he’d put up before things got too out of hand.

“This is wicked, mate!” James announced some time later, slinging an arm over Sirius’s shoulders while both of them tried to hold each other up in the doorway to the kitchen. They had both decided to go and get more drinks simultaneously, almost crashed into one another and then made the trek together. Peter had laughed his ass off and fallen over the back of the couch while Remus just shook his head and laughed at the absurdity of it all as the only one still sober.

“Thought you’d like it,” Sirius retorted with a wide-toothed grin.

Remus shifted to make himself comfy on the couch beside Peter and pulled his car keys out of his pocket. He’d forgotten they were still there and they had dug into his hip with his new position. James caught sight of them immediately and then gave Remus a decidedly Marauder grin.

“Lemme take your car for a spin!” 

“No.”

“Come on, why not?” James stumbled over to Remus and tried to snag the keys off the table. He pouted more like Sirius when Remus picked them up before he could get to them.

“You can’t even drive, Prongs,” Remus answered.

“You can teach me,” James insisted.

“I can. But you’re also pissed out of your mind.” Remus shook his head.

Instead of answering, James walked to the front door and headed down the stairs outside. Peter scrambled to follow after him in alarm while Sirius stared at Remus for a long moment before both of them chased after their drunk de facto leader.

“James, get off my bonnet!” Remus yelled as he got outside to find his best friend splayed out on the front of his car. 

James grinned cheekily at him. “Not unless you let me in it! I wanna go for a drive!”

“No way, mate!”

“I mean, you could drive, Moony?” Peter suggested, leaning on the passenger side rear door. Remus just groaned as Sirius and James both stared at Peter with wide eyes and then at him with mischievous grins.

“I’ve been drinking,” he tried to argue.

“Yeah, but you have the metabolism of a wolf,” Sirius cooed to him, sidling up beside him and nuzzling his neck in a far too affectionate display for the public of downtown London, even if it was well after dark.

“Shut up, Sirius.”

“Come on, Remus! It would be fun!” James retorted, drawing out the last word. “Besides! Alohomora!”

The car doors unlocked as James pointed his wand shakily at the vehicle upon which he was still laying. Peter laughed and then climbed into the back seat. Sirius grinned at Remus and nipped his neck before being swatted away. He climbed into the back with Peter.

“Get out of my car.”

“Not on your life, Moony!” James yelled as he rolled off the bonnet away from Remus and clambered into the front passenger seat. “Take us for a ride!”

“I will do more than take you for a bloody ride,” Remus swore even as he got into the driver’s seat. It seemed like his idiot friends wouldn’t let him get out of this. As Sirius pointed out, he was at least sober despite the alcohol. He’d be feeling it soon but for now he felt fine.

“Start the car!” Sirius ordered from behind, only to be chanted in repetition by the others. Remus decided then and there that he would kill each and every one of them with his bare hands once they got back into the flat. He did as directed just to shut them up. He intended to take them on a quick jaunt about the block and then back. Sirius had other ideas though.

A few minutes into the drive, the three passengers seemingly satisfied by the experience, Remus felt a hand creeping around the side of his chair. It reached round and touched his stomach and then moved lower. Remus growled but couldn’t do much other than try to find a place to pull over. 

“Put your seatbelt back on, Sirius,” he hissed but the man ignored him and rubbed his thigh instead. 

“I’m warning you, Sirius.”

“You already threatened to tie me to the couch. May as well cop a feel now while I can.”

Peter and James both burst into uncontrolled laughter while Sirius chuckled behind him and moved his hand settle between Remus’s legs. He hummed and muttered something Remus didn’t understand in what sounded like French. Remus tried to grab his wrist to stop him as slender fingers tried to unbutton his jeans.

“Knock it off this instant!”

Sirius did but only because the cabin suddenly lit up in red and blue flashing from behind. “Fuck!”

The hand disappeared and so too did his friends. Remus pulled the car over, swearing vehemently in Welsh as he tried to right his pants before the police reached the car. Beside him, Prongs was looking panicked with his antlers tangled in his seatbelt and a glance in the rearview mirror revealed Padfoot trying to lay low in the seat while Wormtail peeked out from under his chin.

“Are you fucking kidding me right now?!” Remus hissed at them.

A knock to his right caught his attention and Remus very slowly turned to look at the police officer peering into the car with an incredibly confused look on her face. He wound down the window, gulped, and met her gaze. “I... “ He sighed then and tried again. “I have no explanation for this whatsoever. I apologize…”

“Is that-”

“Yes. Yes it is. And he’s an absolute moron.”

The woman nodded, unable to take her eyes off of the bewildered stag next to him in the passenger seat. “I’ll, um… Can I see your license?”

Remus calmly handed it to her, ignoring the canine whimpering behind him.

“Let me just go and, uh, run this… Mr., ah, Lupin?” the officer told him before walking away shaking her head. Her partner in the car stared at her like she was crazy as she presumably told him the story about what was in the car.

“For fuck’s sake!” Remus hissed, turning back to his friends and waving his hand at Prongs to untangle the seatbelt wandlessly. “‘I wanna go for a drive!’” he mocked in a higher pitched voice before breaking off into more Welsh swears of varying degrees of intensity. Padfoot had the decency to cower further in the backseat while Wormtail disappeared completely within the dogs fur. Prongs just blinked at him with wide, shiny hazel eyes that reflected the blue and red lights back at him.

The police officer came back with her partner after a few minutes and gave Remus back his license. Both stared at the stag in the front seat and then at Remus’s plastered-on poker face. He was glad that neither of them had heard his tirade just now. “You can, uh… go… Just be more careful getting home with, um… You were weaving a bit there before we pulled you over… Yeah, just go.”

“Of course. Thank you, officers. Have a good night.” Remus gave them a charming smile as they went back to their car. Then he glared at Prongs beside him and turned to glare at Padfoot trying to be small in the back seat.

The drive back to the flat was quiet even after James had transformed back. The groom-to-be had a dazed look about him and didn’t seem to want to cross Remus again. Padfoot stayed as he was and padded up to the flat with his tail between his legs once Peter opened the door for him. No-one said a word to Remus as he followed them up the stairs and locked the door behind him. A wave of his wand dispelled all of the ridiculous decorations in the living room and kitchen and then he levitated food and water over to the coffee table for Peter and James; Padfoot had snuck into the bedroom to sulk.

“Change back, you daft mutt,” Remus told him as he entered the room, leaving the other half of the Marauders to their own devices with his car keys firmly digging into his thigh in his jeans pocket. Grey eyes lifted within a mopey expression from where Padfoot had curled up at the foot of the bed. He stared for a while before resuming his human form.

“You’re not mad at me?” Sirius asked.

“I’m fucking livid with you but that’s beside the point… James and Peter are still out there and we have a party to continue,” Remus answered, offering a hand.

Sirius stared at it, apparently considering his options, before taking it and sitting up. “Sorry,” he murmured.

“You better be.” Then Remus pulled him into his arms and hissed in his ear. “Because if you ever feel me up while I’m driving again, I might just crash the car to spite you.” Then he nipped him with his teeth and pulled him out of the bedroom. Sirius actually blushed before grinning stupidly. Neither offered James and Peter an explanation as the revelry continued well into the early morning hours. Even Remus was feeling decidedly tipsy by the time they finally fell asleep on the floor in a jumble reminiscent of Hogwarts dorm parties.


End file.
